Finding Freedom in Releasing Control

I've been pulling my hair out since I was 11 years old, I am now 25. I've been through it all: patchy bald spots, glued on wigs and hairpieces, head completely shaven, half eyebrows, no eyebrows, you name it. I currently have no eyebrows and it's been over five years since I have had any.
​
But it's also been about five years since I've had any major bald spots or hair loss on my scalp. I feel so fortunate for that. While I am not defined by my hair or my appearance, I'm not going to lie, it's a relief to now have a full head of hair after years of dealing with various stages of hair loss.

I am a peer coach with HabitAware and facilitate their monthly virtual kid hangout groups. The groups are going so well and are a lot of fun. I wish I had something like this when I was a kid growing up with trichotillomania! It's an amazing feeling to be able to foster this supportive community for the next generation.

On the most recent hangout call, one girl with trich brought up having bald spots. I told her that I empathized because I too used to have bald spots, then briefly mentioned that I don't pull as much anymore and haven't had bald spots for a long time.

The conversation then changed topic, but later on towards the end of the meeting, I asked if anyone had any questions. A different girl asked me how I stopped pulling and grew my hair back.

And the truth is, I haven't stopped. Honest to God, I still pull at least a few strands of hair every single day. The difference though between now and several years ago, is that I can pull a few hairs and leave it at that, without it turning into a full blown episode.

I am not “pull free” and I know I never will be. I'm not saying that as a hopeless lost cause, I'm saying that as someone who has made peace with herself. Being pull free is not my goal and never has been. I could go on and on as to why I am against the “pull free” mindset, but to put it simply, it is just not a realistic or attainable goal, at least for me personally.

So many people with trich, especially younger ones or those who may be new to the world of trichotillomania, are focused solely on stopping their pulling. When the girl asked me “how did you stop pulling?” I could hear some desperation in her voice, as well as expectant hope that perhaps I had the magic cure.

But unfortunately I don't have the magic cure. I don't have all the answers. I wish I did and could share with others. But I really don't know how my pulling has decreased so drastically and how I have somehow managed to keep a full head of hair for years. I think one of the younger attendees at the hangout said it best; one girl, only about 7 years old, said she looks at her trich like a roller coaster with ups and downs. In my own experience I have found this to be true. My pulling tends to wax and wane, and I just happen to be lucky that it's been mostly at bay for a while now and I'm currently at a high point on the roller coaster.

What I can tell you is this: my life changed significantly for the better when I shifted my focus on how I could stop pulling, to instead learning how I could *live with* trichotillomania.

After years of countless efforts to “stop pulling” and not being very successful, I realized I had to change gears. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I just literally can NOT stop pulling! As trichsters, we get SO frustrated when other people tell us to "just stop pulling” so why do we hold ourselves to the same standards? If we could stop, we would! I had to come to terms with the fact that this is a chronic mental health disorder that I can't always control. Acceptance goes a long way. I don't see this as defeatist, I see it as freeing.

When we take the pressure of being "pull free" off of ourselves and we release that control over our compulsive behavior, we can then embrace our trichotillomania and ourselves. We can't always control our trichotillomania, but we CAN choose how much we let it control us. I actually feel MORE in control of my life now that I quit trying to stop pulling.

I had to take a deep look at how trich had affected me. It's not even the act of pulling itself that was the problem. Pulling doesn't hurt for me, it feels pretty darn good actually! It was everything that came along with pulling and the resulting hair loss that sucked: the feelings of guilt and shame, feeling alone and misunderstood, isolating myself and missing out on everyday life experiences.

These are all things that we do have control over and can be remedied. Of course that's much easier said than done. But here's what I realized: most of the work when it comes to trichotillomania recovery is actually internal, and not about the behavior itself. Read that again.

​Recovery looks different for everyone but that's what it's been like for me. I don't want to stop pulling, I just want to feel good about myself and find happiness. Trich doesn't have to take that away from me unless I let it. I am more than my hair and appearance. I learned to love myself for who I am inside. I no longer carry the burden of shame. I am not alone, there is a huge community out there of people fighting the same fight who understand. I just had to find my people and they are now my second family. And I don't let missing eyebrows or bald spots on my head stop me from living my life to the fullest and participating in the things I want to do.

I want people to know that being “pull free” is not the end all be all when it comes to defining recovery and success with overcoming trichotillomania. Again, none of this is easy. It took years and a LOT of internal work for me to get to where I am today. But I am living proof that with determination and the right mindset, it is absolutely possible to live a happy fulfilling life *with* trichotillomania. Not just live, but THRIVE!