Trichotillomania and Dating

My fiancé's birthday was this week and I've been reflecting on our relationship and how much I love and appreciate him. I want to share about my personal experience with dating and romance as a trichster.
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When I was a teenager and my hair pulling was at its peak, dating was one of the last things I thought about doing. That's not to say I didn't want to date. Oh, I absolutely did! I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic. I would fantasize about finding that great kind of romance, and perhaps my view of love was a bit over idealized. I had tons of crushes, but I was always a pretty reserved person, and due to the immense shame I felt because of my trichotillomania, I became even more withdrawn. I barely had any friends in school, let alone dating prospects. Being on the autism spectrum as well, I was quite socially inept. It was always easier to just keep to myself than try putting myself out there.

Between the ages of 16 and 17, however, is when I became very open about my trich, sharing my story on my personal social media accounts, as well as on public online media outlets. This was a big deal! Now, anyone could search my full name and be able to easily discover my online articles about having trich. But that was a “risk” I was willing to take for the sake of breaking free from my shame. It was a necessary step I needed to make for my own personal catharsis and recovery. I decided from then on that I didn't want to keep my trichotillomania a secret from anyone in my life.

From the age of 18 onwards, I periodically used dating apps. I would talk to a few guys on a surface level, but never got to the point of sharing deeper details, and then I would basically chicken out and delete my profile before I had the chance to make any real connections. This cycle repeated on and off for years. I absolutely hate online dating culture, but having an almost nonexistent social circle and being a college dropout, I had very limited options to meet people.

But then at nearly 21 years old, I finally went on my first real date! I matched on an app with a guy who had actually gone to my high school and graduated a year before me. We went to a diner and eventually I did bring up the topic of me having trich. It was pretty casual and he was really cool about it. At this point I was very comfortable in my identity and it wasn't that big of a deal to share that with him. The date went well and I liked him, but he was leaving the following week to travel out of the country for over a month, and we just didn't keep in touch, so it never progressed any further.

A month later in December 2019, on my 21st birthday, I went on another date with a guy from an app. Our conversations flowed online, but meeting in person was SO painfully awkward. I honestly can't even remember if I had brought up my trich with him. At any rate, we never spoke again after that date.

After that, I “swore off” dating for a while, until finally in July 2020, during the covid-19 pandemic, I was bored and made a new online dating profile. At this point I was still very inexperienced, and still lacked a lot of social skills. But I ended up matching with a guy 7 years my senior, and we hit it off. I felt comfortable with him and he was easy to talk to. Perhaps because of the fact that it turned out that he had autism as well. Surprisingly I actually didn't tell him about my trich until maybe a week or two of talking. When I did finally tell him about it, it was no big deal to him.

Because of the pandemic and other circumstances, we “dated” online for 7 months before we finally met in person and made our relationship official. He was my first ever boyfriend. I would stay over at his apartment overnight and I felt grown up. Admittedly I was still quite naive at the time and this was completely new territory for me.

When I stayed over at his place, there were times where we would be watching TV on the couch together and my hand would absentmindedly wander up to my eyebrows. If I felt any prickly hairs, I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else until I would abruptly get up, retrieve my mini tweezers from my purse, and lock myself in the bathroom for up to 10 minutes. When I came out and returned to my place next to my boyfriend, I would apologize. He'd be a little confused about the whole ordeal, but he was sympathetic. He would ask if everything was okay and I would reassure him it was, but I did feel bad and a little embarrassed.

For a long time my mental illnesses made me feel damaged, broken, and unworthy of romantic love, even though I so desperately craved it. I had relatively high self-confidence, so I honestly don't know why I felt this way in terms of dating. But my first boyfriend finally made me believe that I was in fact worthy of experiencing love, even if things did not end up working out between us. We technically dated for about a year, but we only actually saw each other in person a handful of times. Eventually I reached a point where I felt I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship, and though it was a difficult decision, I decided to end it.

After things ended with him, I briefly dated a couple other guys, and I had once again told them about trich very early on. So here's the thing: trichotillomania and my involvement in the BFRB community are so deeply interwoven into my life. I'm not defined by my disorder, but I'm very proud of my journey and I now consider it a positive part of my identity. So after a while it's hard for me to not bring it up in conversation. I know it may be controversial to share something that personal with a potential date so prematurely, but I feel like I'm hiding such a big part of myself if I don't tell them. It's also kind of a “test” to see how accepting they are. If someone has an issue with it, they are obviously not worthy of pursuing a relationship with. Luckily I have never had a guy react negatively to the news that I pull my hair and eyebrows. They have all been kind towards me about it, but I've honestly never felt fully understood, seen, and validated until I met my fiancé.

Which brings me to Richard.
At the time when I had matched on a dating app with Richard in November 2022, I had recently published my memoir, Triumphant Trichster. We messaged briefly then spoke on the phone for hours that night. Somehow the topic of tattoos had come up in conversation, and while on the phone I sent him a picture of one of my tattoos that includes the green and blue trichotillomania awareness ribbon. I explained the meaning behind it which led me to also mention my book and advocacy work. He thought it was very cool and admirable and had actually started reading my book on Kindle that very same night.

My book chronicles my entire trichotillomania journey from ages 11 to 23, and includes very intimate details. It's a LOT to take in about someone you just started talking to and may potentially date. Yet somehow I didn't scare him off and we started dating. And the rest, as they say, is history. We got engaged in August 2023 and I know he's the person I'm meant to spend my life with.

I can tell Richard anything and everything, and he knows things about me no one else does. I have never aligned with someone else so perfectly on my beliefs, worldview, and values. Whereas with previous boyfriends I felt like I kind of had to tailor and hide certain aspects of my personality, creating a curated version of myself, with Richard I can be completely unapologetically me. He encourages and supports me in all my endeavors. He thinks the world of me and is always telling me things like how proud he is of me and how beautiful I am. He is truly my best friend and soulmate. I honestly don't know how I got so lucky to have found him, but I am so grateful that I did. As a hopeless romantic who used to fantasize about that “fairytale” kind of love, our relationship is everything I've ever wanted and more. It's genuinely a dream come true.